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| Ughh. So beat. Just got back from a 3-day-long hippie campout fest.
I've grown to hate hippies. As much of a hippie as I am there are some dirty motherfuckers out there. But all in all it was fun.
I spent today with just my boyfriend and I'm happy :) I wish it was possible for us to be together longer, but I guess there really isn't. I'm back up to 110 and I feel like crap. Someone left me an Honesty Box message via Facebook about how I look like crap and I'm too skinny but I really don't feel it. My boy thinks I'm doing better and I'm trying, I just can't find the balls to tell him how sad and lonely I've been. He's done so much for me and I don't want him going to college thinking he's done nothing, you know? When I'm with him he makes me so happy, but I don't want him to think I'm dependent upon him because I'm trying not to be!! He's a great guy and I feel he deserves better than me. I'm trying to put on my best game face and smile because I know it'll help him feel better and that's all I really want. No matter how much I've cried the night before I'll always put on a happy face for him because that's what he deserves, a happy girlfriend! is it weird that I feel happier with am empty stomach than a full one? | |
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| I feel weird....I've been eating a little more because my boyfriend wants me to recover but for some reason I'm still getting smaller....I love this :) PS. I'm not wearing a bra in some of these pictures, I apologize :P  my arms seem tinier, and my ribs look like they're showing more  collarbones....  more ribs, only on one side from the way im standing  and this is laying down of course People are telling me I'm getting too tiny, but I AM trying to eat a little bit more. My boyfriend got really weirded out my how skinny I was getting last night and I feel kind of bad because I think he thinks I haven't been eating at all. What do you think? - Music:Weekend Wars - MGMT
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| FUCK.
Binge. Binge. Binge.
That's all I've been doing for the past 3 or 4 days.
I feel like such a fucking COW right now.
I've been trying so unbelievably hard for my boyfriend to recover and all the emotional built-up stress got to me.
I would eat a cookie. Then I would eat one more. Hell I'm already getting fatter from those two, why not two more? Fuck if I ate those two why don't I just give up all my self control and eat two more!?
I can't explain the feeling I've been getting when I'm eating lately. I feel proud of myself, then I feel guilt. Extreme, undying guilt. I yell at myself for giving in and just say "fuck it" and binge. Now I feel like I've gained 10 pounds and everyone knows it. The fat on my stomach folds when I sit down. FOLDS.
And on top of it all, I want to go get my hair cut shorter, but short hair looks TERRIBLE on fat girls. To rock a new hairstyle I need to drop at least 5 pounds. | |
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| Today wasn't so bad. Really stressful day at work, running all over the place living off coffee and diet pepsi :\
I ended up coming home and freaking out on my boyfriend which I feel really bad for, but we saw a movie later and we're alright. Now I have 2 more days stuck at my dads before I can actually get out again and he's going to force me to eat....We'll see how this goes..... | |
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| I've been trying to figure out how to change my journal to private so only my friends can see it, because I have a feeling my boyfriends been reading it and hopefully he can't see it now.
I know I'm telling this to nobody and I feel pathetic typing anything. But here goes.
I love Charlie. I love him more than I've ever loved anybody in my life. He wants nothing more than to see me recovered and happy. I feel as if he's my guardian angel, he only wants to help me. I scare him so much though and I realize he doesn't know how to help. He's been trying so hard and that's what's been motivating me to eat a little each day, but I still am terrified of food. I wish I could explain to him how fucked up my thinking is. I know it's illogical and I know it's stupid but it's how I honestly feel. He keeps telling me I can change my thinking by myself, and for the past 4 "meals" I've eaten, I've sat in front of a half empty plate that was half empty to start with for an hour, begging myself to think like a normal fucking person and just be happy with who I am.
Now he's going to college and I'm so scared. He's been the only reason why I've been trying lately and all of a sudden he'll be thousand miles away in less than a month. All I do is make him cry and worry and I can't do that to him. This fucking disorder has completely taken control over me and it's ruining my relationships with the people who I care about the most. It's not just about the looks. Its not JUST about being skinny. It's about feeling in control. Feeling that you have so much self-control over what you eat. When I look at a plate of delicious food and turn it down, I feel so happy!! I won't gain any weight to my already fat-assed figure AND I was able to say no. God this sounds so fucked up but I've been trying so hard every day to change the way I'm thinking and I can't. I'm trying so hard for him, more than he knows. I'm trying way harder than I tell him because whenever I mention something about calories or eating a lot of food, he gets angry and I don't blame him. I just wish he knew how hard I was really trying and how hard it is to be able to eat that donut or that piece of cake without breaking down crying an hour later. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND ALL I'M DOING IS CAUSING HIM PAIN. He says he wants the old me back. I want the old me back. I was anorexic for the longest time two years ago and I don't remember if I told him or not, but now I'm relapsing harder and faster than ever. I can't stop. I saw a song he was writing on his laptop that had lyrics about not wanting to date pretty girls because they're too obsessed with their looks. I feel like a stuck-up narsasistic piece of trash bitch when I read that, because I'm not like the girls who spend 2 hours doing their hair and apply 12 pounds of makeup, I just want to be fucking THIN. WHY can't I just lose this fucking weight? I need to gain weight if I EVER want him to come back for me after college and I'm so scared I can't do it by myself. I love Charlie with all my heart and all I want to do right now is recover. If not for myself, then at least for him first. All I want is for him to be happy. I owe him my life and I'm so grateful that I have such an amazing support system from him every day. He means the world to me and I'm so appreciative. But as of now I'm back from 108 to 110 and I feel like shit. I'm trying so hard, but I know I can't do it by myself. And when he's gone, I will be by myself. I just wish he knew how much I cared about him. I don't think he has any idea how crippling this disorder is. It's driving him insane and now HE'LL need counseling due to all the stress I put on him. I get so angry with myself now that I punch myself in the legs until I bruise and scratch myself with my nails until I break skin. I don't think of myself as a "cutter" because I'm not really doing anything serious, and not anything obvious that looks ridiculously over-emo. It's so easy to play off scratches and bruises as accidents when really they're proof of how many times I've failed.
I'm going to do 500 sit-ups, still have a flabby stomach, fail, and go to sleep.
I find it extremely pathetic that I type page-long emotion fueled rants to a journal. It makes me feel more sane than talking to myself. | |
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| didn't eat for two days.
fainted yesterday.
binged last night.
had a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast
and on top of it all i'm too weak to exercise it off.
2 weeks ago i was 112. now i;m 109. i'm so happy but i want to exercise so badly.
i told my boyfriend what i ate today and told him it had a lot of calories in it, thinking it would make him happy that i was eating more, but he just told me he thought my obsession with calories was disgusting and he didn't want to hear about it. i'm never going to make him happy. i should just stop trying. | |
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| I don't fucking know what's wrong with me. My dad fucking hates me. Why the fuck do I always feel like I'm doing something wrong? Do I take things to personally? This entire day all I've wanted to do is cry...I feel like people think I'm pathetic. I love my boyfriend so much but I feel like he thinks I'm a stupid little girl and that I'm an overdramatic, crying, lying piece of shit. All I want to do is make everybody happy and now I'm crying as I'm typing this because I know I never can. If I ever told ANYBODY how I feel, they're just going to call me a little whining piece of emo shit and ignore me and hate me for it. Why the fuck do I feel this way? Why can't I just be a fucking normal person who likes themself? Every thing I've done today that I made any kind of mistake on I explained myself ten times over because I was so fucking scared my dad was going to get so mad at me....I can't help it. No matter what I do I'm always doing it wrong. All I want to do is make everybody fucking happy and I will NEVER ever accomplish making even one person content with me.
I love my boyfriend so much, I really really do....but I just don't feel like he thinks I'm worth it. I know he loves me, but I know he is sick of all my bullshit by now and I don't even blame him. All I ever do is hurt him. I try to hard to work through this fucking ED and I expect him to baby me too much. I'm so fucked up for hurting him as much as I do, but it's even more fucked up that the angrier he gets with me, the less and less I want to eat. He's leaving in a month and I'm not going to have anybody anymore. He keeps saying I'm too self-centered and narsasistic because I only care about what I look like but he doesn't get that that's not it at all. I can't even explain the feeling I have right now. I'm even scared to post this in my journal because God knows somebody's going to find it and laugh at me for being so fucking STUPID and worthless. That's how I feel. I feel worthless. No matter how hard I try I always feel like people think I'm stupid and whiney and that I'm not worth anybody's time, and I'm really not worth it. I don't even deserve to have friends anymore. I'm a terrible friend. No matter what I do nobody will ever be honest with me, and nobody will ever like me. I know everybody talks shit about me behind my back and I just want it all to end. I'm so lonely right now I don't know what to do with myself. Now I can't stop crying because I'm just a fucking stupid, whiney, emotional, dramatic piece of horse shit and I don't deserve to have anything. My boyfriend is so good to me and I'm a piece of shit to him. I don't deserve him. He's a saint and all I am is a teenage girl who doesn't know how to deal with her own problems and would rather just die and get out of everybody's hair. Fuck me. - Mood:depressed
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| I caved.
All I had today was a salad...and my dad bought me a Snickers Bar that was just staring me in the face.
I couldn't help it and right now I can't explain how absolutely disgusted I feel.
Water fills the same void, and no calories. Why couldn't I just do that? Jesus christ.............. - Mood:dirty
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| I don't know if I can explain what I feel to anybody anymore. Everybody looks at me like I'm crazy when I talk to them. My boyfriend thinks I'm the most illogical person in the world. I always fucking feel like I'm doing something wrong...no matter what I do. I feel as if I can't get anything right. I take everything way too personally. I was in the supermarket with my dad and every single word he said to me I felt like he was saying it with the deepest hatrid toward me that I could imagine. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't. I don't even know anymore. I have this uncontrolable feeling of lonliness that is starting to physically hurt me. I feel like I'm trapped inside my own mind, and any time I say anything people will just look at me with disgust. I try to talk to my boyfriend but whenever I do he just makes me feel so small inside, like I fucked up and no matter what I do it won't make things any better. I don't even know why I think the way I do. Everybodys only trying to help me but I feel like everybody just fucking HATES my guts. My boyfriend keeps asking me why because he tells me nobody hates me but I know deep down they think I'm pathetic. They think I'm dramatic and obnoxious and if they had a choice, nobody would want to be around me anymore. His entire family has to hate me by now. They must. I can't even buy something to drink without counting the calories in it and dividing it into portions of the serving size. I didn't buy Vitamin Water today because it had 100 calories in it. I feel so much better when I know how much of what I'm putting in my body, and when I can succesfully divide it up and eat enough to get up to a certain amount of calories. It makes me feel like I have complete control over what numbers of calories and food I can put in me. It's what makes me feel better when I feel completely trapped inside myself. I just don't want to let anybody down, you know? It's sad that the only time I can say any of this is when I'm typing it in a journal who can't respond to me. I feel like I let everybody down. I feel like nobody wants to put up with me anymore and all I do is piss everyone the fuck off. Now I have something wrong with my leg and it keeps giving out while I stand on it. Fuck I just wish I could keep to myself and get everybody to forget about me, even if only for one day. - Mood:embarrassed
 - Music:Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mick & Tich - Hold Tight
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| i was so proud of myself....i hadn't eaten at all today and i walked 2 miles
i was about to pass out when i got home though and ravishing hunger got the best of me, so i had a handful of cheetos (100 cals.....ew) and a quarter of an apple (about 30 cal). I wanted to keep it at zero because i KNOW my dad's going to force me to eat dinner and thats going to add on at LEAST another 500 calories and i'm so terrified right now i'm about to start crying...i feel so fucking disgusting and ashamed that i gave in to my hunger and of all things ate CHEETOS. at my dads i usually eat in a separate room from him and spit all my food into a plastic baggie in my pocket and i have to keep it under my bed all night until i leave the house to find a garbage can to throw it out in....i think that's what i'll do tonight
wish me luck!
tt&ss - Mood:scared
- Music:helicoptor- m. ward
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the_livins_easy's journal